Redeem this text for a blowjob
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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