I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
