the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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