found the other keg... it's in the tree
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
