Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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