the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
