Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
