No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
