I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
