I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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