I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
