Got a toothbrush?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
