so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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