Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
well, you know. whores of a feather.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
