after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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