Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
