Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
