Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
