i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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