If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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