come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
