A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
did i just pee glitter
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
