Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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