I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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