sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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