my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
