Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
