I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
