My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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