dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
