Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
