If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
