Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
