So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
