i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
