my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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