he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
