yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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