How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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