She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
