i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
