I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
