Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Houston, we have a squirter
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
