she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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