how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
