I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
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