why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
