420 ftw
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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