The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
