Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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